The 2 Stages of It's my Fault

2 things happen when I realize something is my fault. One feels bad and one feels good.

They aren’t mutually exclusive, and one usually happens before the other. Like stages in the evolution of feeling bad. And then good. It's a graduated reaction. 

Before I tell you what they are, I should explain what I mean by “fault.” It’s a strong word, a word we are taught to fear. And, like fear, its one of the "F" words. Fault, fear, failure...you can probably think of some others.
Failure, much like fault, is taught to us as a nasty, personally wounding word. We always picture it as if it were drawn with a big red pen across the “How I Spent my Summer Vacation,” essay of our lives. If I fail, if I am at fault, if I am afraid, then I have a huge problem. That’s my emotional takeaway. 

But the problem with this line of reasoning is that I do fail, I am often at fault, and I am afraid. Quite a lot. There are many problems in my life that involve my decisions, my choices, my insecurities. I contribute frequently to my own suffering. It’s not pleasant to admit it, but it is important.

And.....it's actually a good thing.

Because of these two stages.

Suspense building statement here.......and........go:

The first stage is Pain.

The second is Power.

                When I realize that I am playing a role in my own problems, I always feel Pain first. It stings to realize that my suffering is partially of my own doing. Take anger as an example. If I am frustrated with a family member, a friend, or just some random stranger (probably while driving) I enjoy the regular human feelings of defensiveness and blame. Who doesn’t? These are popcorn feelings. I know they aren't good for me but I love sitting down with a punch-bowl sized bucket of them, drenched in butter. For those of you who prefer allegory to metaphor, lets make the butter justification and the salt.....hmmmm....indignation.

                Eventually those feelings cool down and I realize my role in the problem. I realize:

                “Holy cow, I was yelling at the kids because I had a bad day.”

                “Oh, I snapped at her when she just asked a question.”

                “Maybe I cut him off…”

                Or whatever. Feel free to fill in your own version of these epiphany moments.

And it hurts! I don't want to minimize the discomfort of this stage. It causes guilt, shame, sorrow, and other insightful emotions. These are all nasty green leafy feelings. They’re probably good for me, but I choke through the serving on my plate only because somebody once told me that I should.

This stage, I have found, can last a long time. In fact, we can often stall in this stage. We can move into it, build a home there, and spend all of our time in emotional pain. Sometimes this even causes a relapse backwards to the blame and defensiveness that felt so much better. Denying the realization of our own involvement becomes our salve.

Or we can move to stage 2.

I call the next stage Power. If I can stomach the healthy, but distasteful, feeling of the Pain stage, I get to feeling better when I realize this all important truth: if I am at fault, that means I have the power to change things.

If I play a role in my suffering, and I now have realized it, then I can change what I am doing to perpetuate that role. If I yell at my kids because I had a bad day, then I can prepare myself before I walk in the house the next time I had a bad day. If I get mad at other drivers for not doing what I want, regardless of whether I am in the right or not, I can practice questioning my reaction next time, something like:

“Do I really have the right of way, or am I just driving like a jackass?”

Think about this second stage, and how freeing it can be. If I am getting mad at my wife because of something I am bringing to the table, then I can work on letting go of it even if she doesn’t change anything she is doing! All of a sudden I go from being a powerless victim of circumstance to a stalwart captain of my destiny.

I think the appeal of regression to defensiveness often beckons to me to forget the famous quote by Charles Swindoll:

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

It’s so easy to forget that nobody guaranteed me a path free from thorns and brambles. In fact, there is a lot of reason to believe in the opposite; that life will in fact be quite difficult, requiring me to secure every step through struggle. When I remember that these two stages exist it makes me stop searching for someone to blame. My struggle, still often replete with pain, somehow becomes less daunting. Instead of filling with despair I fill with hope, and await the transition from one stage to the next.